Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
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Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it