My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
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Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.