Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
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HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.