My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
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“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Help Wanted
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now