Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
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Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Spring cleaning checklist…
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle