You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
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Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
“I’m helping” 😅
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches