I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
You Might Also Like
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Batman v Dracula
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.