my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
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Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
termite twitter scares me
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
it was love at first sight
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up