What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
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I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
opening twitter today
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF