—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
You Might Also Like
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
New menu item
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.