sistine chapel
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”