don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
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Alexa; make it look like an accident
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll