I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
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I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall