Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
You Might Also Like
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
dutch so unserious
😅😅😅
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no