Cow it started Cow it’s going
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Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Hey i am sexy to you now
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.