why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
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I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Wikigenius
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.