Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
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Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around