I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
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My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.