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Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
GF: um鈥攜ou said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
anyone who doesn鈥檛 have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You鈥檇 better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Cop: looks like you鈥檙e wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 馃檪
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 馃槧
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 馃槨
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 馃槨馃槨馃槨
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.