Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
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police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Bobby pin
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
[shakes fist at other fist]
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no