I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
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Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos