love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
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You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french