Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
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Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
new shirt idea
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.