[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
You Might Also Like
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.