TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
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Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
🤣🤣
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
My dad.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.