I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
You Might Also Like
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day