Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
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After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds