Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
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Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Your secret is safeish with me
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it