Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
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*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.