I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
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What even happened today?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”