Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
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Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Worst Native American name ever.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
and this one
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read