Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
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My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Buying a well is money well spent.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!