[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
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Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Des Moines Police having a normal one
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
This kid is a star!
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.