I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
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Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
that de-escalated quickly
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time