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[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
How times have changed.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”