If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
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Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I had to Stop for this
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this