my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
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[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
ugh not again
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
no one likes gloating
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!