The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
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Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
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“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane