February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
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My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me