911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
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Doggies just call it style.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number