Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
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I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book