Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
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Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Risking my life for fun.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!