I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
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MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
lol
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married