(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
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Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
A bold strategy
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION