Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
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Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
So creative 😂
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…