Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
You Might Also Like
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Finally!
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Incredible customer service.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
My hips? Compulsive liars.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.