My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
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Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.