You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
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The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I’m having an out of money experience.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day