Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
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Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
we’re dead?
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….