So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
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Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder